it would be wrong to say that i am depressed. i'm not. it's something else. transition. break from tradition. trepidation?
as i sit and wait for the afternoon rain to arrive......a it always does. i wonder what i feel like sharing about myself these last few weeks. as the warm breeze slips into a cool strong wind and people head for the doorways. lately my mood shifts like the weather. i'm warm and content. i'm cool and melancholy. this journey has been different from those that proceeded it. before, i was more free. coming from constant movement.......little stability. now, i can feel all that i left behind. all the flavors of my life that i abandoned to come here. quitting my job. my home. my family. my friends. my cat. my food. my community. my culture. my life. i feel it all deeply. but while i am bit low i am still quite content to be here. every morning i wake and feel peaceful about the comming day. the sights, sounds, smells, tastes, and textures of San Cristobal are drifting into a sort of normalcy. everyday i am walking. eating lots of beans and tortillas, mangos and avacados. growing new friendships. speaking spanish. letting life happen. it is difficult to make generalizations about an entire country. an entire people. there are so many Mexicos. but i can feel a general(if not always) warmth of spirit. i can feel it embedded in peoples connection to history, family, food, religion. perhaps it's the strong sense of community which makes me feel so alone.......outside sometimes. but more often it makes me feel serene and even hopeful. our past month has largely been dedicated to Spanish study. ahhhhhhh Spanish. what lovely pain for my heart and mind. and it looks as if our journey will temporarily take us to Guatemala. a change of pace. of scenery. some nature. some quiet. some rural life. meanwhile......my heart has some heavy moments......and some light. and after these torrential afternoon rains that turn the streets to rivers i look forward to the sun................... which always returns.
3 comments:
Hey, you're doing an immensely difficult and courageous thing down there. Part of the fun of adventures is that they can totally blow up in your face at any time. It's risky, it's thrilling. But you're not having that kind of adventure. You've taken the much bigger risk of giving up family, friends, cat, and everything else you put so eloquently. And it's not going to blow up, so there's no adrenaline rush. But you've lost a lot, and gains are slow. Community is the hardest thing in the world to find. Still, (and you know this already) it'll be worth it. If you were brave enough to go down there at all, knowing what you'd have to leave, I'm sure you can handle being a bit low for a while.
OK, pep talk over. Have fun in Guatemala! Tell us all about it.
mary! your pictures are beauteful. i think you have a talent. Do not give up. be lucky...
Your site is on top of my favourites - Great work I like it.
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