the almost present................

Ohhhhhh…………how can I let this beast out?? The beast of the near now.

Dare I say it…………that the last month of this thing has become higher than the first. Man……I’m at home here. And my home…...the one I’ve known forever scares the piss out of me. But I will crash land and survive. I would say that I’m ‘ready for anything’ but it sounds a bit too much like a self imposed curse. ………But let’s not dwell on the future.

Travis came mid January. thanks to his lovely wife Rose…….and that she is……a rose. Travis fun love. bright spirit. Open eyed. Open heart. Empty Gallo bottles! Mischievous grin stories. I think he loved Guatemala and she loved him back.

When Alberto and Christine (our NYU student filmmaker) showed up on our hotel doorstep in Xela it was instant chemistry. Yep…..this is gonna work. Some aguardiente cheers to the beginning of……???….…..something.

the film. Christine surprised us……we who are not so easily surprised. From the concrete urban landscapes of New York to the earth green mountain jungles of Guatemala. She hung in there. Young but self ironic. Brave. Smart. It was a good combination. We were filming for a week and it was both odd and interesting. It felt invasive…....but the community is open. EVERYONE wants to talk. Often wanting to say much more than we want to hear. Funny. And the more we filmed…..the more they talked……the more we learned……the more we saw…….and the more complex the community became. Amazing moments of magik. gems unexpected. Captured. It couldn’t have been planned.

And now…..with the camera in my hands I walk. and it’s difficult to describe what it feels like. In a way it’s eerie, powerful. I decide what people will see and how they will see it. and in a way this very much thrills and it scares me. It thrills and scares me when people open themselves for me to record. When something unexpected happens…..a belly laugh, some light sparking deep within black eyes, a moment of repressed emotion. I am giving and taking in the same moment. Taking their stories, their lives, their histories, their images……to some other place that it beyond their reach. And giving them a voice, the opportunity to express themselves in their words with their ideas and thoughts……their experience. It is both peaceful and exciting. A natural extension of my photography. I can capture pieces of things that escape language. But the moving image is different…….it asks more of the subject…….asks them to participate more actively, giving more of themselves. Perhaps it is more honest (perhaps not). Giving the subject more control over how they are portrayed……..or not. Anyway……it’s an interesting question.

So…….we have shot over 30 hours of film thus far. Lots of work. Lots of time. Lots of patience. And lots of luck. It’s winding down…….…but I still feel high.

--hasta pronto, maria

The Past

time has left me. Days running away at speeds beyond my control and imagination. I have gotten so far behind with my writing that my head feels insideout. And when I sit down to do it I feel empty……..no words come. I sit. I think. I intellectualize. All at a loss. But meanwhile my heart is light. Everything has come on slowly like moonlight. The sky hinges overhead, azul brillante. But I will inch backward and..……......recall…...

…….after arriving back on the finca in November everything went terribly wrong…….then we left……….then we returned………then everything went terribly right. Ahhh……………………….

The holidays!
the whole thing……..it was unanticipated. But I should have known. The bus station in Xela was nuts. Crowded. Packed crazier than usual. Bus packed hot. Of course!……2 days before Christmas……BIG! holiday here. People traveling about. Family coming. Shopping. Food. Colomba was a madhouse. Our familiar local haunt buzzing bizarre. Looking around lost I spotted the warm presence of Dona Maria across the crazy street. And when little Esbi ran out to meet us…….i felt his light and I became so. I could breathe again. Christmas didn’t really feel like Christmas but it was very cool to have it on the finca. Replace turkeys with tamales……..gifts with smiles……ornaments with firecrackers…….and cold white wind snow with hot blue sky sweat. I learned how to make tamales…..real ones!.......Guatemalan style. I watched. I wrote. I cooked. I ate meat! Did you know that you can make tamales with corn, rice or potatoes?? Interesting.

3 weeks on thee finca were silky smooth –but my body was paying the price. My dog is well and shiny as ever. The community is ready for the film. We were a free and cohesive group of visitors. The kids are gorgeous. The community is used to us. Relationships feel more real……..words more genuine. I hadn’t any idea when i left home 9 months ago…….hadn’t any ideas about anything. Only the idea to leave home in the first place. And I did…….and here we are. And not one day, one moment, one thought of regret. And these coming weeks as we approach the film I still don’t know where it’s all going. I only know that I’m ready to be creative…….to discover more about the community…….and to share it.

I’m ready to have fun. Lots of people are coming. Ryan’s mejor amigo Travis. Our querida amigo and partner in crime Alberto. Our long lost crazy beautiful amiga Margarita. It’s interesting to start something now just as we are about to leave. Seems backward. But it’s just the way things happen. And it’s the only way it could have happened. And it couldn’t have been anticipated.

--Mary