It almost killed me but I loved it. When we met Christopher in the main square that afternoon and Margaret in the café the following morning I couldn’t possibly have known that I would finish the week on top Central America.
really it was one of my favorite weeks out on the finca. our time there was creeping to a close, we were playing with the camera and the community, setting up the Health Project.......just floating around encountering those sparks. warm days of long walks and silence. cool conversations. Margarita and Christopher filling us with mellow magic music. singing……tuning……tuning…….tuning a bit more…….followed by a bit of singing. the chemistry was on. it was a near perfect week in life.
And then………Christopher brought us news of Tajamulco. the highest peak in Central America. 13,848ft. and it was unanimous…….we were going. after quick bus ride farewells to Christopher......heading off in his own Guatemalan direction…….our union (Alberto, Margarita, Ryan, and I) made our way toward volcan Tajamulco.
Feb 6, 4am wake up. Oh my god……………look at the stars. It’s like we are someplace else, not Guatemala….....….not earth. I feel energized by the crisp air. My body isn’t nearly as destroyed from the hike-in yesterday as I thought it would be. I stretch. I pack up my stuff. I feel pretty good.
Our group of seven hits the trail with flashlights. within minutes I feel that I will die. Shit—can I do this?? do I want it badly enough? i drag along……periodically looking up. with dread. the rest of the group has dusted us and only Ryan is by my side. flashlight to flashlight to moonlight. 20 ft at a time…….10. we are here and I really don’t want to be the only beautiful loser that can’t summit. but my head is light, my vision crossing, my aura disoriented. i only want to collapse…….let go. quit forcing myself to do something that is just not in me. I can’t figure out if more pain is coming from my body or my mind. Ryan is carrying me emotionally……without him I would have given up long ago and sat alone in the silent dark…..….perhaps peacefully and without regret.
But he didn’t give up on me……and so I didn’t give up on myself. so, I begin to understand that this is how it’s done. piece by piece. Up. Up. Up. one breath at a time. so close to the top and so far to go. now I can see the gold fuchsia glow rising and growing on the horizon. It is taking my breathe away—this beauty. and now…..in the presence of this…........…i begin to want it. that summit. it’s not a question anymore……i have to make it. and still i break down in the rocks……because as much as i want it……i really don’t know if i can do it. the altitude is in my brain playing games. Ryan……you should just go or you will miss it........the sunrise. he went with power. i continued to take it by pieces…..by breaths. the sun ball glow gold brilliant breaks the silken clouds. i sit peacefully and feel in the presence of something unspeakable. it bathes me. i can inhale it. sitting. ................breathing
Ok. i can move on. poco a poco. creeping crawling toward the rocky windy cold summit. it’s close now. i can feel it. i have it. here it is. YES! but what i feel on the top isn’t relief or happiness or any such thing………i just feel a sense of acceptance. i am here. standing here. right now. and my god….look at the shadow she is casting on the earth!
--maria
really it was one of my favorite weeks out on the finca. our time there was creeping to a close, we were playing with the camera and the community, setting up the Health Project.......just floating around encountering those sparks. warm days of long walks and silence. cool conversations. Margarita and Christopher filling us with mellow magic music. singing……tuning……tuning…….tuning a bit more…….followed by a bit of singing. the chemistry was on. it was a near perfect week in life.
And then………Christopher brought us news of Tajamulco. the highest peak in Central America. 13,848ft. and it was unanimous…….we were going. after quick bus ride farewells to Christopher......heading off in his own Guatemalan direction…….our union (Alberto, Margarita, Ryan, and I) made our way toward volcan Tajamulco.
Feb 6, 4am wake up. Oh my god……………look at the stars. It’s like we are someplace else, not Guatemala….....….not earth. I feel energized by the crisp air. My body isn’t nearly as destroyed from the hike-in yesterday as I thought it would be. I stretch. I pack up my stuff. I feel pretty good.
Our group of seven hits the trail with flashlights. within minutes I feel that I will die. Shit—can I do this?? do I want it badly enough? i drag along……periodically looking up. with dread. the rest of the group has dusted us and only Ryan is by my side. flashlight to flashlight to moonlight. 20 ft at a time…….10. we are here and I really don’t want to be the only beautiful loser that can’t summit. but my head is light, my vision crossing, my aura disoriented. i only want to collapse…….let go. quit forcing myself to do something that is just not in me. I can’t figure out if more pain is coming from my body or my mind. Ryan is carrying me emotionally……without him I would have given up long ago and sat alone in the silent dark…..….perhaps peacefully and without regret.
But he didn’t give up on me……and so I didn’t give up on myself. so, I begin to understand that this is how it’s done. piece by piece. Up. Up. Up. one breath at a time. so close to the top and so far to go. now I can see the gold fuchsia glow rising and growing on the horizon. It is taking my breathe away—this beauty. and now…..in the presence of this…........…i begin to want it. that summit. it’s not a question anymore……i have to make it. and still i break down in the rocks……because as much as i want it……i really don’t know if i can do it. the altitude is in my brain playing games. Ryan……you should just go or you will miss it........the sunrise. he went with power. i continued to take it by pieces…..by breaths. the sun ball glow gold brilliant breaks the silken clouds. i sit peacefully and feel in the presence of something unspeakable. it bathes me. i can inhale it. sitting. ................breathing
Ok. i can move on. poco a poco. creeping crawling toward the rocky windy cold summit. it’s close now. i can feel it. i have it. here it is. YES! but what i feel on the top isn’t relief or happiness or any such thing………i just feel a sense of acceptance. i am here. standing here. right now. and my god….look at the shadow she is casting on the earth!
--maria
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