Haunted...

(From the journal 12/20/08)

Taking some solace in a cold beer and this pen. MAN!! my emotions are all over the place. From confident and positive to numb, dumb and negative. Is this "culture shock?" Gotta be.....but how do i manage to forget about it every time. I think i just epiphanied my angst here. I think my white skin, and the privilege attached to it, is causing waves of guilt......or more precisely a true lack of belonging. I can't help feeling like an ass. It's so easy for me to just bop about the world, here, or anywhere really, with no great concern for how i'll manage to pay for it....no great concern with how i'll manage to cross national borders.......the first class bus or the second class if i want to save a few pennies......a taxi rather than public transport that costs 20x less--not really important, it's all affordable. Who am i to just wander around the downtown here in Xela...stopping in to have a couple cups of coffee that amount to 1.5% of my daily earnings but 50% of the daily earnings for the majority of Guatemalans. Yet.....there are the positives to my presence here. Obviously i'm spending my money here which is in fact contributing to the livelihood of the Guatemalan economy. I'm not sure of the stat but i know tourism plays a substantial role. It's just hard to remind myself that my being here isn't entirely absurd, as i often find myself convinced of. I have to take stock of the gestalt and consequence of my being here.......that the domino.....or collective effects of my/our experience here will bring us all closer to a more humane and rational relationship with humankind as a whole......maybe......hopefully... a butterfly effect of sorts that leads to something better. Still trying to sort it all out...the whys of life are always haunting me.

-ryan