no gracias

Guatemala City. not a charming place. we were sitting in this weird little Chinese restaurant (don't ask). it had numbing florescent lights and cheap fast food tables. the whole atmosphere oozed a sickly flickering yellow. a few tables were occupied by scruffy happy hour men who looked like they belonged in some seedy strip club. their space was crowded with empty beer bottles and overflowing ash trays. they guffawed and ordered the no-shit-taking waitress around.

An older man came in selling a hand full of random items. i saw him making his rounds of the tables. no luck. no luck. the second i saw him i knew i wasn't buying anything. the man came to our table and I looked at him and said "No Gracias." he was poor. unemployed (obviously). i didn't even look at what he was trying to sell. No Gracias. he set something on the table and waited. No Gracias. i continued to eat my french fries. time passed. he picked up his wares and moved on. as i watched him leave the restaurant i suddenly felt like a real ass. what was i afraid of? why had i blown him off so coldly?? shit. that wasn't me.......i wasn't being myself.......I was acting out some part. and like the city, i wasn't charming..........not by any stretch of the imagination. when did i cease to be a human being. live and learn.
-maria